[It occurs to her, distantly and at length, that she's crying into his shirt and probably ruining it; as things to be worried about right now, that's utterly silly and entirely inconsequential, and yet it's still somehow what gets her to get control of herself a little, like a tiny pinprick of fact to anchor her in the midst of a hurricane of emotion. It's a good excuse for why she should get control of herself, and so slowly but surely she does, winding down and blinking away the remains of her tears and turning her head a little to the side so that she can better speak without muffling everything against his chest.
Which doesn't mean she even knows what to say, but it frees her to say it, nevertheless.]
Y-You guys...you called me a guardian angel, you know, before you said goodbye?
[It's tempting to slip and say remember?, but she won't, because she's made enough accidentally cruel slips of the tongue already, and even distraught, she knows better than to be careless, now more than ever.]
...I don't think you guys were wrong. But I'm...n-not good for anything without something to guard. You know? If that's what I am? It made sense when I had Morioh and now Morioh is gone, and I ought to be gone but I'm here and...
[She trails off, finding a breath.]
It feels fake. It doesn't feel like a new life or a second chance, it feels fake. Like I'm playing make-believe, like I'm pretending.
You make me feel real. I'm not fake when it's you, I'm someone real. I mattered. You just being here, just being, being you, you're proof that I matter. Mattered. Matter.
...I-Is it really so different, Rohan? I only remember things from fifteen, sixteen years ago. I can't "remember" who you are now. It's not that different. You don't remember me from back then...but I don't remember all the years that I missed, when you grew up from that little kid into the person you are now.
People keep telling me, be selfish, be selfish. Maybe that was the most selfish thing I did, all along...just, just expecting to be important to you instead of earning it. It's supposed to go the other way around, right? People meet first and then figure each other out, and then they end up important to each other, like you and Koichi...but this is backwards, we're important first and doing all the figuring afterward.
I always knew it hurt you when people got mad at you, when they'd use me against you, bring me into the middle between them and you. I get mad at them for it...I don't know if you knew. Know. I always get mad at them, I tell them to stop. I tell them never to do that ever again, or just plain ever, but I never say why, I just say don't. I didn't...I didn't really think about how I might hurt you. Be hurting you. I didn't...
[...]
This place makes it so I'm not just Reimi the ghost. It makes me have to be Reimi the girl along with Reimi the guardian angel. Maybe if I were just Reimi the ghost...
[She laughs, shaky and halfhearted.]
Isn't that selfish, though? That I don't want to let go of the only person who makes me feel real? That's what it feels like to me, when I don't understand. And I — I know I don't belong here, you know? I don't belong anywhere, I know I don't, and that's what I'm really afraid of. Not you, not even Heaven's Door, not —
...There's so much I don't know, you know...? But I always know what I feel about you, that I believe in you. Sometimes that's the only thing I know. That's what I mean. That's why I can say, I'm always someone who believes in you and loves you more than I love anything else in the world. Because that always comes first, and it never goes away. Because sometimes it's the only thing I'm sure about, when I know I don't belong anywhere else.
[When she first starts talking, it seems like she's just talking. Rohan's sure there's a point buried in there somewhere and she's taking her usual roundabout way of getting there, but a lot of it is just talking for the sake of filling the air instead of letting things settle down into silence. But then she trails off and Rohan thinks that's maybe the end of it, maybe he doesn't need to tell her to stop talking, and stop trying to explain. Then she starts talking again and Rohan can't imagine a scenario in which he'd ever interrupt her.]
[Despite all the times Rohan's accused Reimi of treating him like a kid, she's never managed to successfully make him feel like one until now. And it's not in a way that feels he's being patronized to or that she's condescending to him, leaving him frustrated and ready to instigate a fight. It's the opposite, in a way, where feeling small and even a little dependent isn't such a terrifying thing to experience. Rohan holds her a little tighter as she bares her insecurity of not belonging. His natural instinct is to scoff at that. In what reality does Reimi not seamlessly integrate with the rest of the world? He may not remember her from all those years ago, but he knows her as she is now and she's not someone who should find herself alone. Of course, he knows she spent all of those years alone with the exception of Arnold, but those were circumstances beyond her control. To do what she had to do, she had to be alone until the time was right. But now? Now she doesn't have to be, so she shouldn't and won't be because she's warm and kind and gentle, and none of those traits could possibly be mistaken for weakness.]
[Which is precisely why it's not such a terrifying thing to be dependent upon her in ways Rohan's never been really dependent on anyone because if there is one person who can handle it, it's Reimi. Of course it's her, without a single doubt.]
Don't be stupid, [he mutters, harsher than he means to be as always because it's the only way he knows to be kind.] You aren't going to get a chance to grow up like you were supposed to. There's no going back to Morioh for you either. Nothing you do here is likely going to change that. So what? Just because you're not supposed to be here doesn't mean you don't belong, Reimi. Regardless of what you think about yourself, you do. You belong. I'm the only person still here that knows what you've done, how much it mattered, but everyone can see your worth without you having to explain all of that to them because you're more than just what you did for me or for Morioh.
[And that's part of why people always throw it in Rohan's face that they can't see what she sees in him that's worth valuing. She wears her worth on her sleeve whether she means to or not, and it's next to impossible for them to understand why she would seemingly waste her time on someone as abrasive and intentionally cruel as Rohan has the capacity to be.]
That's why Koichi called you a guardian angel. It's not because you protected Morioh, it's because you meant something to each of us. You mean something to...
[It's here he falters a little. But Rohan purses his lips and at that moment pulls away from Reimi, holding her by the shoulders in front of him.]
I don't understand why you put so much weight into what others think of you. I never will. But I know it means a lot to you, so I'll say it just this once. It doesn't matter to me whether or I remember you or not. You're still the most important person in the world to me and you always will be. But it's not selfish of you to not want to let go. You're still human, Reimi. It doesn't matter that you're dead, you're still human. You still had hopes and dreams the night you died, but you still carried them with you all those years while you were waiting. You said it yourself that you wanted me to live and to be happy. That wasn't what kept you from moving on, but that doesn't mean you let go of them.
So, it's not selfish, it's just stupid to limit yourself just to me because it's familiar. You turn a blind eye to what you want — to your hopes and dreams for yourself — and to the way you matter to other people here clinging to something familiar like that. But you don't have to be afraid because you already did the hardest thing you'll ever have to do and you're never going to have to go through something like that again. At the same time though, you don't get the luxury of telling yourself that you're done because you did what you set out to do while you're here.
[One of Rohan's hands leaves her shoulder to fix a few strands of her hair that were beginning to bother him with their displacement. His eyes move from hers to look at what he's doing. It rests back on her shoulder after he's done fixing her hair, his gaze settling back down on her.]
You're not alive, but you still have a chance to live, Reimi. You just have to stop defining yourself by what you've already done and allow yourself to move on it from it in a way that you didn't plan. And if that means for right now just learning to take it one day at a time, then that's fine. But you have to give yourself a chance first before writing it off as pretend or fake.
[You meant something to each of us. You mean something to...
He doesn't need to finish the sentence, not really, for her to immediately derive the two most important things from it. One is that she already knows the last word that belongs there, right at the end.
The second is that the tense changed from past to present — from something that once was to something that still continues.]
...It matters that I'm dead. I-I know that's not what you meant, but...but it matters, a lot, that I'm dead. Because...
[She hesitates, her gaze drifting to the side and down before slowly sliding back to Rohan's face.]
M-Maybe that's my "Heaven's Door". I think...maybe that's the thing I need people to understand, like you need for him. Dead is a part of who I am, now. I-I have this friend, who's dead like me, and...he feels that way, too. That it's hard, because...
...B-Because it feels like your chance is gone. Like you got left behind. Like anybody who cares about you, like you're cheating them out of being able to care about somebody with a future. Like you're different, it makes me different.
There was a place for me in the past. I don't know how to make it start feeling like there's a place for me anywhere else. I don't mean I'm not trying to! I just...I don't know how to make it...
[She reaches up, clearly intending to rub her eyes, but then seems to hesitate; her hand stays suspended in the air a moment, wavering as if hung by an invisible string, and then comes to rest over one of his on her shoulder instead.]
Hey...c-can we make it a promise, then? If I keep trying to live...then will you promise to never let me forget that I deserve to?
[The impulse is there, of course, to start withdrawing again. There's only so long that Rohan can sit with these feelings — or more accurately, the expression of them — before his skin starts to crawl uncomfortably and he begins to want the protection afforded to him through his prickly demeanor. And everything right now feels particularly raw and vulnerable, but he tamps down on that impulse because Reimi's probably not that much better off than he is right now. While he's generally okay with minor injuries to her and able to look away, he thinks right now even a minor comment would be enough to cut deeper than he intends.]
[So, it takes a moment. In that moment, he wrestles with every impulse he has, but he manages to get control of it before he starts to feel a little nauseous. And then he nods.]
[She nods a little, slowly, and tries to spare him some dilemma by being the first to draw away instead. It's hard; deep down it's the exact opposite of what she really wants, which is to throw herself at him and hold on tight again. But it's been about her for long enough already, and the whole point of who they are is that there's an ever-shifting equilibrium, back and forth between the two of them. He's been strong for her; now she needs to do the same in return.
So she draws back, but whimsically keeps hold of his hand as it comes away from his shoulder, curling just the tips of their fingers together in a last slight attempt to keep from breaking away entirely.
After one last slow swallow, she finds her voice again, mercifully steady despite the potential for it to shake.]
Okay. Me too.
[She nods again, this time following through on her attempt to reach up and wipe her face dry.]
C-C'mon. It's getting pretty late, and I haven't even gotten to show you my surprise yet...
[And once they make it there, she will: the warehouse-turned-nightclub that she's taken for her own, and the work that she's done over time toward restoring it to a fun and happening place to be.]
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no subject
Which doesn't mean she even knows what to say, but it frees her to say it, nevertheless.]
Y-You guys...you called me a guardian angel, you know, before you said goodbye?
[It's tempting to slip and say remember?, but she won't, because she's made enough accidentally cruel slips of the tongue already, and even distraught, she knows better than to be careless, now more than ever.]
...I don't think you guys were wrong. But I'm...n-not good for anything without something to guard. You know? If that's what I am? It made sense when I had Morioh and now Morioh is gone, and I ought to be gone but I'm here and...
[She trails off, finding a breath.]
It feels fake. It doesn't feel like a new life or a second chance, it feels fake. Like I'm playing make-believe, like I'm pretending.
You make me feel real. I'm not fake when it's you, I'm someone real. I mattered. You just being here, just being, being you, you're proof that I matter. Mattered. Matter.
...I-Is it really so different, Rohan? I only remember things from fifteen, sixteen years ago. I can't "remember" who you are now. It's not that different. You don't remember me from back then...but I don't remember all the years that I missed, when you grew up from that little kid into the person you are now.
People keep telling me, be selfish, be selfish. Maybe that was the most selfish thing I did, all along...just, just expecting to be important to you instead of earning it. It's supposed to go the other way around, right? People meet first and then figure each other out, and then they end up important to each other, like you and Koichi...but this is backwards, we're important first and doing all the figuring afterward.
I always knew it hurt you when people got mad at you, when they'd use me against you, bring me into the middle between them and you. I get mad at them for it...I don't know if you knew. Know. I always get mad at them, I tell them to stop. I tell them never to do that ever again, or just plain ever, but I never say why, I just say don't. I didn't...I didn't really think about how I might hurt you. Be hurting you. I didn't...
[...]
This place makes it so I'm not just Reimi the ghost. It makes me have to be Reimi the girl along with Reimi the guardian angel. Maybe if I were just Reimi the ghost...
[She laughs, shaky and halfhearted.]
Isn't that selfish, though? That I don't want to let go of the only person who makes me feel real? That's what it feels like to me, when I don't understand. And I — I know I don't belong here, you know? I don't belong anywhere, I know I don't, and that's what I'm really afraid of. Not you, not even Heaven's Door, not —
...There's so much I don't know, you know...? But I always know what I feel about you, that I believe in you. Sometimes that's the only thing I know. That's what I mean. That's why I can say, I'm always someone who believes in you and loves you more than I love anything else in the world. Because that always comes first, and it never goes away. Because sometimes it's the only thing I'm sure about, when I know I don't belong anywhere else.
no subject
[Despite all the times Rohan's accused Reimi of treating him like a kid, she's never managed to successfully make him feel like one until now. And it's not in a way that feels he's being patronized to or that she's condescending to him, leaving him frustrated and ready to instigate a fight. It's the opposite, in a way, where feeling small and even a little dependent isn't such a terrifying thing to experience. Rohan holds her a little tighter as she bares her insecurity of not belonging. His natural instinct is to scoff at that. In what reality does Reimi not seamlessly integrate with the rest of the world? He may not remember her from all those years ago, but he knows her as she is now and she's not someone who should find herself alone. Of course, he knows she spent all of those years alone with the exception of Arnold, but those were circumstances beyond her control. To do what she had to do, she had to be alone until the time was right. But now? Now she doesn't have to be, so she shouldn't and won't be because she's warm and kind and gentle, and none of those traits could possibly be mistaken for weakness.]
[Which is precisely why it's not such a terrifying thing to be dependent upon her in ways Rohan's never been really dependent on anyone because if there is one person who can handle it, it's Reimi. Of course it's her, without a single doubt.]
Don't be stupid, [he mutters, harsher than he means to be as always because it's the only way he knows to be kind.] You aren't going to get a chance to grow up like you were supposed to. There's no going back to Morioh for you either. Nothing you do here is likely going to change that. So what? Just because you're not supposed to be here doesn't mean you don't belong, Reimi. Regardless of what you think about yourself, you do. You belong. I'm the only person still here that knows what you've done, how much it mattered, but everyone can see your worth without you having to explain all of that to them because you're more than just what you did for me or for Morioh.
[And that's part of why people always throw it in Rohan's face that they can't see what she sees in him that's worth valuing. She wears her worth on her sleeve whether she means to or not, and it's next to impossible for them to understand why she would seemingly waste her time on someone as abrasive and intentionally cruel as Rohan has the capacity to be.]
That's why Koichi called you a guardian angel. It's not because you protected Morioh, it's because you meant something to each of us. You mean something to...
[It's here he falters a little. But Rohan purses his lips and at that moment pulls away from Reimi, holding her by the shoulders in front of him.]
I don't understand why you put so much weight into what others think of you. I never will. But I know it means a lot to you, so I'll say it just this once. It doesn't matter to me whether or I remember you or not. You're still the most important person in the world to me and you always will be. But it's not selfish of you to not want to let go. You're still human, Reimi. It doesn't matter that you're dead, you're still human. You still had hopes and dreams the night you died, but you still carried them with you all those years while you were waiting. You said it yourself that you wanted me to live and to be happy. That wasn't what kept you from moving on, but that doesn't mean you let go of them.
So, it's not selfish, it's just stupid to limit yourself just to me because it's familiar. You turn a blind eye to what you want — to your hopes and dreams for yourself — and to the way you matter to other people here clinging to something familiar like that. But you don't have to be afraid because you already did the hardest thing you'll ever have to do and you're never going to have to go through something like that again. At the same time though, you don't get the luxury of telling yourself that you're done because you did what you set out to do while you're here.
[One of Rohan's hands leaves her shoulder to fix a few strands of her hair that were beginning to bother him with their displacement. His eyes move from hers to look at what he's doing. It rests back on her shoulder after he's done fixing her hair, his gaze settling back down on her.]
You're not alive, but you still have a chance to live, Reimi. You just have to stop defining yourself by what you've already done and allow yourself to move on it from it in a way that you didn't plan. And if that means for right now just learning to take it one day at a time, then that's fine. But you have to give yourself a chance first before writing it off as pretend or fake.
no subject
He doesn't need to finish the sentence, not really, for her to immediately derive the two most important things from it. One is that she already knows the last word that belongs there, right at the end.
The second is that the tense changed from past to present — from something that once was to something that still continues.]
...It matters that I'm dead. I-I know that's not what you meant, but...but it matters, a lot, that I'm dead. Because...
[She hesitates, her gaze drifting to the side and down before slowly sliding back to Rohan's face.]
M-Maybe that's my "Heaven's Door". I think...maybe that's the thing I need people to understand, like you need for him. Dead is a part of who I am, now. I-I have this friend, who's dead like me, and...he feels that way, too. That it's hard, because...
...B-Because it feels like your chance is gone. Like you got left behind. Like anybody who cares about you, like you're cheating them out of being able to care about somebody with a future. Like you're different, it makes me different.
There was a place for me in the past. I don't know how to make it start feeling like there's a place for me anywhere else. I don't mean I'm not trying to! I just...I don't know how to make it...
[She reaches up, clearly intending to rub her eyes, but then seems to hesitate; her hand stays suspended in the air a moment, wavering as if hung by an invisible string, and then comes to rest over one of his on her shoulder instead.]
Hey...c-can we make it a promise, then? If I keep trying to live...then will you promise to never let me forget that I deserve to?
no subject
[So, it takes a moment. In that moment, he wrestles with every impulse he has, but he manages to get control of it before he starts to feel a little nauseous. And then he nods.]
I promise.
[He can't risk say anything further than that.]
no subject
So she draws back, but whimsically keeps hold of his hand as it comes away from his shoulder, curling just the tips of their fingers together in a last slight attempt to keep from breaking away entirely.
After one last slow swallow, she finds her voice again, mercifully steady despite the potential for it to shake.]
Okay. Me too.
[She nods again, this time following through on her attempt to reach up and wipe her face dry.]
C-C'mon. It's getting pretty late, and I haven't even gotten to show you my surprise yet...
[And once they make it there, she will: the warehouse-turned-nightclub that she's taken for her own, and the work that she's done over time toward restoring it to a fun and happening place to be.]