[It occurs to her, distantly and at length, that she's crying into his shirt and probably ruining it; as things to be worried about right now, that's utterly silly and entirely inconsequential, and yet it's still somehow what gets her to get control of herself a little, like a tiny pinprick of fact to anchor her in the midst of a hurricane of emotion. It's a good excuse for why she should get control of herself, and so slowly but surely she does, winding down and blinking away the remains of her tears and turning her head a little to the side so that she can better speak without muffling everything against his chest.
Which doesn't mean she even knows what to say, but it frees her to say it, nevertheless.]
Y-You guys...you called me a guardian angel, you know, before you said goodbye?
[It's tempting to slip and say remember?, but she won't, because she's made enough accidentally cruel slips of the tongue already, and even distraught, she knows better than to be careless, now more than ever.]
...I don't think you guys were wrong. But I'm...n-not good for anything without something to guard. You know? If that's what I am? It made sense when I had Morioh and now Morioh is gone, and I ought to be gone but I'm here and...
[She trails off, finding a breath.]
It feels fake. It doesn't feel like a new life or a second chance, it feels fake. Like I'm playing make-believe, like I'm pretending.
You make me feel real. I'm not fake when it's you, I'm someone real. I mattered. You just being here, just being, being you, you're proof that I matter. Mattered. Matter.
...I-Is it really so different, Rohan? I only remember things from fifteen, sixteen years ago. I can't "remember" who you are now. It's not that different. You don't remember me from back then...but I don't remember all the years that I missed, when you grew up from that little kid into the person you are now.
People keep telling me, be selfish, be selfish. Maybe that was the most selfish thing I did, all along...just, just expecting to be important to you instead of earning it. It's supposed to go the other way around, right? People meet first and then figure each other out, and then they end up important to each other, like you and Koichi...but this is backwards, we're important first and doing all the figuring afterward.
I always knew it hurt you when people got mad at you, when they'd use me against you, bring me into the middle between them and you. I get mad at them for it...I don't know if you knew. Know. I always get mad at them, I tell them to stop. I tell them never to do that ever again, or just plain ever, but I never say why, I just say don't. I didn't...I didn't really think about how I might hurt you. Be hurting you. I didn't...
[...]
This place makes it so I'm not just Reimi the ghost. It makes me have to be Reimi the girl along with Reimi the guardian angel. Maybe if I were just Reimi the ghost...
[She laughs, shaky and halfhearted.]
Isn't that selfish, though? That I don't want to let go of the only person who makes me feel real? That's what it feels like to me, when I don't understand. And I — I know I don't belong here, you know? I don't belong anywhere, I know I don't, and that's what I'm really afraid of. Not you, not even Heaven's Door, not —
...There's so much I don't know, you know...? But I always know what I feel about you, that I believe in you. Sometimes that's the only thing I know. That's what I mean. That's why I can say, I'm always someone who believes in you and loves you more than I love anything else in the world. Because that always comes first, and it never goes away. Because sometimes it's the only thing I'm sure about, when I know I don't belong anywhere else.
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Which doesn't mean she even knows what to say, but it frees her to say it, nevertheless.]
Y-You guys...you called me a guardian angel, you know, before you said goodbye?
[It's tempting to slip and say remember?, but she won't, because she's made enough accidentally cruel slips of the tongue already, and even distraught, she knows better than to be careless, now more than ever.]
...I don't think you guys were wrong. But I'm...n-not good for anything without something to guard. You know? If that's what I am? It made sense when I had Morioh and now Morioh is gone, and I ought to be gone but I'm here and...
[She trails off, finding a breath.]
It feels fake. It doesn't feel like a new life or a second chance, it feels fake. Like I'm playing make-believe, like I'm pretending.
You make me feel real. I'm not fake when it's you, I'm someone real. I mattered. You just being here, just being, being you, you're proof that I matter. Mattered. Matter.
...I-Is it really so different, Rohan? I only remember things from fifteen, sixteen years ago. I can't "remember" who you are now. It's not that different. You don't remember me from back then...but I don't remember all the years that I missed, when you grew up from that little kid into the person you are now.
People keep telling me, be selfish, be selfish. Maybe that was the most selfish thing I did, all along...just, just expecting to be important to you instead of earning it. It's supposed to go the other way around, right? People meet first and then figure each other out, and then they end up important to each other, like you and Koichi...but this is backwards, we're important first and doing all the figuring afterward.
I always knew it hurt you when people got mad at you, when they'd use me against you, bring me into the middle between them and you. I get mad at them for it...I don't know if you knew. Know. I always get mad at them, I tell them to stop. I tell them never to do that ever again, or just plain ever, but I never say why, I just say don't. I didn't...I didn't really think about how I might hurt you. Be hurting you. I didn't...
[...]
This place makes it so I'm not just Reimi the ghost. It makes me have to be Reimi the girl along with Reimi the guardian angel. Maybe if I were just Reimi the ghost...
[She laughs, shaky and halfhearted.]
Isn't that selfish, though? That I don't want to let go of the only person who makes me feel real? That's what it feels like to me, when I don't understand. And I — I know I don't belong here, you know? I don't belong anywhere, I know I don't, and that's what I'm really afraid of. Not you, not even Heaven's Door, not —
...There's so much I don't know, you know...? But I always know what I feel about you, that I believe in you. Sometimes that's the only thing I know. That's what I mean. That's why I can say, I'm always someone who believes in you and loves you more than I love anything else in the world. Because that always comes first, and it never goes away. Because sometimes it's the only thing I'm sure about, when I know I don't belong anywhere else.